I had a full day of filming the other day in South London. I currently am living in North London which, when you come from a small town like Canberra where it takes 20 minutes to get from the centre of the city to either side of town, seems like FOREVER away.
Now, it was my first experience driving on the highways in London, which is actually ridiculously easy. The highways/roundabouts/every road here is so clear and all make it super straight forward and basic for you to navigate yourself around the city. Not to mention that there is literally a lack of road rage. I would be lucky if I’ve heard 3 people beep their horns while I’ve been here. One was a bus, but I don’t think that counts because it was at me when I decided to run across the road at the stupidest time (Don’t kill me, Mum!). Traffic lights here go yellow before they go green, so I crossed the road assuming yellow meant that they were going to stop? BUT ANYWAYS, back to the roads, I am seriously impressed with them. As long as I managed to stay out of the way of the people flying at about 90837585374y578347scb km an hour I was safe.
Driving to the south side was the impressive part. I arrived about 15 minutes early and was surprised at how relaxed I was after driving for so long. I had expected it to be a nightmare. Only a few tiny hiccups but all-in-all an easy drive in. Anyone that knows me, knows I am a horrific driver and I can proudly say that I have sometimes gone months on end without sitting behind the wheel of a car by choice. *thumbs up* Hate it.
So after a whole day of filming, about a thousand pieces to camera, I was tired, hungry and super excited to see my new best friend when I got home, who goes by the name of My Bed. I put my address into my Map on my cute iPhone 5, I checked the time, 5:15pm and as the route came up I saw hundreds of little orange and red dots along the road I had to travel on. My face literally dropped, (I didn’t think my face could achieve any sort of expression of emotion due to exhaustion, but I was wrong, it managed.) Yikes. They were the traffic indicators, those little dots that show you where the bad traffic congestion along the roads are. (Amazingly smart on behalf of technology, but definitely NOT what I wanted to be seeing after 8 hours of filming!) I checked all 3 route options, all of them looked like they’d come down with a severe case of the chicken pox. Finally I decided to take a deep breath in and dive into it, this took a lot of convincing. I did find myself wanting to just sit in the car park for an hour and a half to let it die down. And in hindsight it would probably have been a better idea. But that is so out of character for Olivia Faith, who, of course, with her embarrassingly stubborn I’m-not-afraid-of-anything attitude wanted to tackle it head-on. Loser.
I was CRAWLING, no, not crawling, because I’m pretty sure if there was a baby crawling next to my car, it would have crossed the finish line well before I did. This continued all the way down the highway. But not just the highway,
It was pain if I’d ever felt it.
I found myself trying to lighten the mood thinking to myself, “Ohhhhh, right. I get it, (I didn’t) This is only this highway, once I exit in 5 miles it will be clear roads!” Wow, was I so, so wrong. I could see cars driving down the opposite side of the highway looking at all of us banked up cars like “Wow, it would definitely suck to be you!”. The exact same way I look at huge traffic queues. Except I usually try and send hand signals to the unsuspecting people driving up to the traffic to turn around before its too late. No matter how much of an idiot I look like, it is still so nice of me. Hah!
Anyways, after slugging it out (literally like a slug, because they are SO slow) for 2.5 hours, I arrived home. I stood under a shower for far too long and face planted the bed by about 9pm. It was then that I decided that if you can drive in London’s peak hour traffic, you can drive anywhere, or anything probably even trains and plains and things… SERIOUSLY.
In conclusion, Olivia Faith’s top
three four tips on driving in London.
1. Wait for the traffic to die down, it AINT worth it.
2. Don’t leave your old phone with all your music on it at home. Rookie mistake.
3. Two options: Bring plenty of food or Die of starvation – your choice.
4. Do not ever, ever, EVER laugh at anybody stuck in a traffic queue. Because when karma bites your toosh, it is NOT even in the slightest bit funny.