Learning to Fail.

Dealing with anxiety

One day I totally just woke up in the kitchen sayin’ “How the Hell did this Sh- happen? Oh Baby”.
Legit.
But no where near in the same way that Queen Bey did.


I found myself in this hella-odd place. Some weird twisty, grey, sad place that I had never been to before.
I had no idea how long I’d been there, I didn’t understand the language and hadn’t the slightest idea what wrong turn I took that lead me here.
Okkkaaayyyyy… So, first thing I decided to do was back-track my steps, follow my bread crumbs Hansel & Gretel styles until I get to a place of familiarity and figured out where this all went wrong.
Slowly my pin-points started making sense and my puzzle started to come together to make a clear picture.
I remember applying for a job that I really wanted, I also remember I never got a call back.
Next, I remember sending my resume in for a gig I had BEYOND experience for, I didn’t even make the interview stage.
Oh yeah! Then there was that time I met that guy at the coffee shop who said he had a job going that I’d be PERFECT for and said he’d call me once he got back to the office.
I’m still waiting for the phone call, Babe, its been months.

It all started making sense.

So how come I was devo repeat watching Sex and the City every hour of every day? Why hadn’t I brushed my hair/gotten out of my pyjamas/not even left my apartment/eaten nothing but packet and two-minute-somethings for the last week…?
Weird.
Thats when I realised HOLY SMOKES LIFE JUST KICKED ME IN THE BALLS(which I don’t biologically have, however, if I did I’m sure there would be similarities between these feelings) AND I THINK THIS IS THT F WORD EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT!
-Nah, not the full-on F-Bomb. Strictly PG rated up in here, Parental Guidance recommended.-

Yikes… I think I just FAILED something?!

The last thing I recall failing(aside from my entire scholastic career), was.. well, actually it was nothing.
I was a little, extremely, super, definitely spoilt in the sense that I over-confidently bopped out of school, got handed a job on a shiny, silver platter that,
A. Was loads of fun
B. I got to work with my best friend
C. I got to hang out with a bunch of funny kids all day.
-SHOUTTTTSSS TO DANCECOREEEEE-
And, even more so, needed no A+ in Legal studies/any form of secondary education at all.
If that wasn’t enough, that job then lead me to a stint in dance studio-ing.
-SHOOOUUUTTTSSS TO THE PLAYASSSS-

Basically, I tricked the whole world and universe and beat the system.
I never really felt the wrath of all those times I had full attendance at McDonalds instead of my Maths class, or when I was swamped in Subway Cookies, as opposed to homework.. Yikes!
A few years down the track, once I’d forgotten that I’d tricked the universe damn-well and beat the system like no other, here I was in this ball-kicking moment.
A delayed the Karma that I perhaps should have come across as a fresh-out-of-non-school teen.
It SUCKED.

Okay, so after I woke up in the kitchen sayin’ “How the hell did this sh- happen? Oh, Baby.”
What came next?
First thing was first, I iced-packed my ego on the ASAP. I cried a little(lot), I then finished Sex and the City and moved onto the entire back-to-back series of Entourage over the course of the week. Then, most importantly and SO over-due, I  brushed my hair/got out of my pyjamas/left my apartment/ate something other than packet and two-minute-somethings.
I conquered that to-do list and so I came out of hibernation and feeling sorry for myself, I was finally ready to emerge.
And emerge I did.
I got myself two cool and fun jobs and just as I started forgetting about the kitchen I woke up in I was suddenly stopped in my tracks with a mind-blowing epiphany.

WOAH, I’M STILL ALIVE.

I basically just face planted hard at life, harder than any other face-plant fail I had ever known or experienced for myself and I am no longer curled up on the floor melting into a pile of human mush with un groomed hair.
BUZZING.

The whole fail thing..? Yeah, was a fair kick to my non-balls.
But what is it still classified a fail if you emerge out of it and build yourself a damn-cool life anyways?
I don’t really know.

I’m confident I failed.
But I’m extremely confident I’m not a ‘failure’.
I just learnt that what feels even better than thinking you tricked the universe and beat the system and thinking I’m absolutely invincible.
Is having that universe bite you in the butt so hard, failing and face-planting all the way down the Fail Hill and then getting your booty up and making yourself a damn-cool life.
Thats some real invincibility.

After all, you don’t really know how tough a cement wall is until you run face-first into it.
Pre-face-plant its just a wall.
Post-face-plant you’ll never want to mess with that cement wall again.
*strong arm emoji*

KEEP ITTTTT REAAALLLLLL
Olivia Fearless Faith.
OUTTT!

 

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